Drifting off to Dreamland–Sleep Update

This is a photo of my daughter actually asleep right now. Well, like a minute ago. It’s totally dark in her room and I couldn’t see through the viewfinder, and wasn’t using a tripod, but here she is… I like that it’s kind of dreamy looking. Because she’s asleep. And probably dreaming.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Anneliese’s sleeping, and what I was trying to make the whole situation better for everyone. Well I’ve been experimenting with something new the last 3 days.

And the last 3 days, Anneliese has had great naps – including one 2-hour nap each day, and 1 or 2 1-hour naps each day. And our bedtime routine is much shorter, smoother, and more effective. Meaning I don’t have to try 58 times to get Anneliese to stop nursing and to lay on her bed. Tonight it took 2 minutes from the time I turned off her lights to the time I left her room with her (mostly) asleep on her bed.

First, I’ll go over the things that I kept from our last sleep changes (Copying and pasting the main points from the last sleep post, and adding comments.) Then I’ll tell you what I added.

• Starting the bedtime routine much earlier than before. – Before, I thought “bedtime” was around 8. In reality, Anneliese tends to get sleepy around 6:30. Now I know, and watch for sleep signals. If it’s possible (if we’re at home, don’t have to go out, etc.) then as soon as she yawns or rubs her eyes, I start. But sometimes we’re out beyond that time, and the last couple of days it hasn’t seemed to be an issue. I just do the bedtime routine as soon as we get home.
• HAVING more of an established bedtime routine. – Sort of. But not the long drawn-out routine that was in my last post. In reality what I’ve been doing lately looks more like this:
  • Change Anneliese’s diaper and offer potty
  • PJs and sleep sack
  • Nurse if she’s hungry
  • Read a story. Maybe re-read it or read a second one if she’s super-alert and into it.
  • White noise on, lights off
  • Hold her for a few minutes, until she is very relaxed, eyes closed.
  • Tell her I’m going to put her on her bed, and do it.
  • Sit on the edge of her bed for a couple minutes, patting her back if she stirs, but mostly “hands off.”
  • Leave
  • (Don’t worry – I am still giving her baths, just right after she eats if she gets messy… I’ve found it’s easier to give her food and baths in the middle of the day rather than at night.)
• Creating a “lovie.” Hers is this adorable super-soft sheep. – Yes, still doing this. When I nurse her and hold her before bed, it is between us, under her arm. When I put her on her bed, I wrap one of her arms around it.
• I TRIED the “Pantley Pull-Off” – This NEVER worked. Anneliese has an insatiable desire to nurse. If I do what Pantley’s book says and keep letting her re-latch every time she cries out or roots, I am there all night. So no.
• Creating a “sleep cue” sentence. When Anneliese is totally relaxed and drifting to sleep, but not asleep yet, I say, “Time to go to sleep now, Baby Girl.” – I have been doing this, still. And the association seems to be established now. If she is lying on her bed, relaxed but with her eyes still open and looking around, and I say the “sleep cue” sentence, she closes her eyes. If she’s in my arms with her eyes closed but still feels tense, and I say it, I can feel her body relax and become heavier.
• Using white noise – which we’ve done for a while, because it really helps. – Still doing this.

So what did I add?

I, who was and still am totally against “Cry It Out” and similar methods, let my baby cry. I didn’t leave the room and close the door or put ear plugs in. I didn’t watch her on the video monitor, while counting down 5 minutes until I could go save her. I held her in my arms.

Here’s the thing… before, she would cry because of being overtired. The only thing that was WRONG was that she was tired. Her diaper was clean and dry, her tummy was full of milk. Her mama or papa was holding her, helping her go to sleep. Even so, we felt like we had to FIX something when she was crying. Really though, you can’t FIX a baby being awake when she is sleepy. You can distract from the hurt or discomfort… by walking, rocking, jiggling, bouncing, shushing, swaying, back patting… the list goes on. And I feel like my tension when trying to fix the mystery-ailment probably transferred to Anneliese, making her feel tense as well.

But the distractions don’t help in the big picture, because when Anneliese wakes up in the middle of the night, or too early during a nap, she doesn’t have me or her dad there immediately to distract her from the tired feeling, so she cries. And I don’t mean “fussy sounds.” I mean WAILING immediately upon waking. She doesn’t do that now.

I want her to know I’m here for her. I want her to know that sometimes you just have to let your feelings out, to talk about them (or cry about them) and that I’m listening. So what I did the first day (Sunday) for the first nap was hold her.

She cried.

I held her pacifier at about her chest level, so she could get it when she wanted it, but it wasn’t in the way.

She cried.

She waved her arms around. I told her that her tummy was full and her diaper was dry and that I was right there.

She cried.

I told her that whenever she was ready for it, her paci was right here. That nothing was wrong in the world, and I stayed totally calm and relaxed, not stressing about trying to discover and fix the cause of the crying (because I know it was just because she was sleepy).

After a little more crying, she leaned toward her pacifier and sucked on it. Totally relaxed.

A few minutes later, she cried again. This time, for only a minute or so. Then she grabbed her pacifier with her mouth again. Sucked. After a couple more short crying jags, she fell asleep in my arms. Comfortably. It didn’t feel like she had given up on me. She knew I was right there, holding her. All of her needs were met, and she was safe, and I was listening to her concerns and her feelings. Her heart wasn’t racing. She wasn’t sweating or shuddering. She was completely relaxed. I told her I was going to put her on her bed, and I did. Then I patted her back for a little while and said, “It’s time to go to sleep now, baby girl.” And after a couple of minutes, I left.

She slept for 2 hours. It was her longest nap in many weeks.

For her second nap, she didn’t cry as much. But there were still the little sobbing jags, with paci sucking in between. But she knew I was there, holding her and letting her work it out. I just wasn’t trying to FIX anything anymore… no more walking, rocking, jiggling, bouncing, shushing, swaying, back patting… just telling her I’m here, I love you, you’re safe. Everything is okay.

That night, her first sleep stretch was 4 hours instead of her usual 3.

Yesterday, for her first nap of the day, she woke after about an hour. I saw her on the monitor, raising her head and fussing (NOT the wailing she has been doing… but fussy sounds, which she hasn’t done since she was about 3 months old), then lowering her head and resting again. I decided to see if she could work it out and fall asleep again, and watched her. She never full-out cried. She didn’t wail. She fussed a little, relaxed, and went back to sleep for another hour.

Today she had another 2-hour nap. This time, she flipped over onto her back when she woke up after the first hour. If she’s on her back, her arms wave around and she cannot fall asleep on her own. She’s too frantic to roll back onto her tummy herself. So I went in to help. I held her for about  a minute (no crying at all) and then laid her on her bed again, fully asleep.

Tonight? As I said before, after nursing and a story, when I turned out the lights, it took literally TWO MINUTES before she was settled on her bed, (mostly) asleep, and I was leaving the room. NO tears. As soon as I held her in my arms, she took her pacifier and closed her eyes. Her body was totally relaxed, so I said, “I’m going to lay you on your bed now.” And I did. She opened her eyes as I was transferring her, but then relaxed again once she was on her bed. I patted her back, kissed her, and said “It’s time to go to sleep now, baby girl.” Then I left. She has woken up once since then, and it took me under 2 minutes to get her settled and sleeping again.

This might all be a coincidence. It might have nothing to do with my no longer trying to FIX what isn’t broken. But I don’t think so.

There were some tears. It’s not a “No-Cry Sleep Solution” obviously. But it was a far cry (ha) from some heart-wrenching exercise in ignoring your baby’s tears, “teaching self-soothing” through tough love, or whatever. There were no ear plugs involved, no closed doors, or baby monitors turned to zero volume.

She’s not magically sleeping through the night either. But I’m hoping that since being sleepy isn’t a complete disaster in her mind, maybe she will pick up on the fact that ALL I do to get her back to sleep is hold her a little, then put her back down. I’m not walking, rocking, jiggling, bouncing, shushing, swaying, back patting, or nursing her back to sleep. She doesn’t NEED me to get back to sleep. She’s doing it on her own. So I’m hoping that she figures that out and doesn’t need to “call for” me when she wakes… unless she is actually hungry or actually uncomfortable or wet or something.

We’ll see. But this has been an awesome week for naps and bedtimes. And I don’t feel one whit like I’ve compromised my parenting values or ideals to get here.